Brittany Wiggington: A Birth Mother Perspective
Below are the words of Brittany Wiggington, a close friend of Gap Relief as an organization and an important community member as both a birth mother and an adoptive mother. We honor her voice and perspective and are grateful to have the opportunity to share it with you, our people.
My story begins when I was 16 years old and an adoption plan was made for me and my baby. I do believe my parents made the best decision they felt they could make at the time, but that doesn’t mean they did it well.
I navigated all the emotions of pregnancy and really the loss of my daughter alone. I think my parents’ generation was more about moving on from it and the mindset of “don’t look back and you’ll ‘forget.’” As hopefully most of us now know—that doesn’t happen, nor is it the way to heal from trauma.
I didn’t seek counseling or really realize I needed it until I was 22. I had recently moved to Arkansas and was kind of figuring out who I was for myself for the first time. It was the first time I was able to make my own “big girl” decision of where to live and I came here alone. I met Amy (Gap Relief Director) not long after I came to town and was just sharing my story with her. I can’t tell you how those conversations went or any of the wise words or comfort she gave to me—but I can tell you I felt seen, heard, and really listened to for the first time.
Fast forward to 2019 and I started working with other birth moms and walking all the parts of their story alongside them. I found myself being who and what I have wanted for myself when I was walking their same road all those years ago. I found such a missing piece with the care they were getting because SO much focus is on adoptive parents and things they need to learn or do well. A lot of time and effort is given (in the line of work I was in) to making relationships between adoptive families and these expectant women, but then after the baby was born these mommas were almost an afterthought.
Post adoption support is needed for adoptive parents but dare I say even more so for these birth moms. Just because they have the need or want for a placement plan doesn’t mean it is what they intended for their life. To forever miss milestones, have miles of distance, and their kids not know them… no momma WANTS that.
The moms that I work with usually have more of an open adoption plan. What this looks like can vary, but it usually includes pictures, updates, and visits. Even this can be a challenge with adoptive parents to keep their word AFTER placement. It’s “easy” pre birth as an adoptive family who has waited on this moment for years to agree to things or be so intentional about checking in on momma and baby, but then after placement any number of things can happen. Life gets busy. Birth mom may not reply to messages or may seemingly be a little distant. Birth mom may make choices that worry or differ from ones adoptive families may make.
I’d love to encourage adoptive parents to see beyond these issues and fight to keep their word for whatever adoption agreement was made. You never know what that birth mom has been through, how she is walking her grief, or what kind of support system, if any, she has.
Navigating the post adoption process can be hard and complicated for all parts of the adoption community INCLUDING the birth mom. I am so thankful for all that Gap Relief has taught me and the change it has fostered in me so that I could walk this path differently, better, and move forward to empower these women for years to come. I now work for an organization that is able to offer counseling services to all of our birth moms, and they are always so grateful to have these services available!
